"Words to Thrive By" by Mary Anne Dorward

BETRAYAL HURTS

We’ve all had it happen: betrayal by someone we thought we could trust. It hurts. It makes us feel angry. It makes us wonder about our own judgement.

BETRAYAL IS A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY

However, the fact is, the best way of moving through our anger and hurt is to look at it as a wonderful opportunity for self assessment and growth.

DID I LISTEN TO MY GUT?

Ask yourself these questions:

1. When I first met this person, did I listen to my inner gut response? Did I get a “sock in the pit of my stomach” or another unusual feeling trying to get my attention when I met this person or stepped into that situation? In other words, was my gut response to this person or situation negative to begin with?

2. If I did receive “a sock in the gut” or unusual feeling, did I listen and take a step back or did I move forward with this person or job opportunity or whatever the situation was anyway?

3. Even though I felt uncomfortable, did my inner dialogue in my head go something like this?

“Oh it’s probably nothing. It’s really, totally, probably nothing, just an over reaction on my part. It’s no big deal. I’m probably over reacting on this one towards this person or this situation. I hardly know this person, these people. Why should I feel so negative towards them? I should really just get over it. It’s probably my problem.”

Well I’m here to tell you that minimizing your inner gut feelings can land you in a whole heap of trouble and become a big problem if you ignore it. Ultimately, is not “they” or “It” that have betrayed us. It is we who have betrayed ourselves.

YOUR FIRST RESPONSE IS A DIRECT MESSAGE FROM YOUR INNER WISDOM

Your first response is usually the correct one and listening to that inner voice, or what I call my Inner Wisdom is very important at all times and in all places.

Here’s what I have learned over the years about trusting my own instinct and listening to my Inner Wisdom:

1. My gut instinct is infallable and I get into trouble every time I don’t listen.

2. I can save myself tons of frustration if I listen to my Inner Voice the first time.

3. The more I listen and trust what my gut tells me, the fewer problems I have and the more peaceful I feel.

OUR INNER WISDOM IS ALWAYS SPEAKING TO US

So in a nutshell? Your Inner Wisdom is always speaking to you, through your feelings, through your gut, through your first responses to people and situations, both in your personal life and in business.

LISTENING IS A GOOD THING

So listen and listen and listen and then act according to what feels right, not what your head may be telling you about how you are overreacting. Your gut feelings are there for an important reason: to help protect you and guide you into situations and relationships with people who are good for you, people who value and support you and acknowledge you for your contributions and talents. We all deserve to be valued, compensated, acknowledged and appreciated.

But only we can stop the abuse in our lives by listening to our Inner Wisdom and then acting from that place instead of overriding it and getting into situations that do not serve us or make us feel bad about ourselves.

OUR INNER WISDOM IS OUR BIGGEST ALLY AT ALL TIMES

Your Inner Wisdom is your biggest ally. Your Inner Wisdom and Voice are the source of reliable and infallable guidance at all times. Listen and Trust and then Act. You might be surprised at how good you can feel and how great your life can become.

You are the only You in this world. The world needs the unique Voice that only you posess and the Gifts of your unique Spirit that only you can give to the world. So let all the anger go about all the betrayals in your life, past and present, big and small. Take charge of your life, letting your Inner Wisdom guide you to new growth and new opportunities and a healthier, happier, more peaceful you.

Ibiza, Spain

A few years ago, I travelled to the island of Ibiza, which is a very old and mythic place. While it is famous today as the spot of the rich and famous, jet setters and rock stars who come to vacation, this island has a long and rich history with many fascinating facts all it’s own. I went there specifically to see flamingos “in the wild.”

Bitten by The Scorpion. 

It is said here that if you fall in love with Ibiza, you have been ¨Bitten by the Scorpion.” It is interesting that there are no poisonous snakes or any other vicious animals who live on the island, but that is the saying. All I can say is I definitely was bitten by the scorpion with a great love for that place. It is lovely, with beautiful, white sandy beaches.

Bes, The Protector and Fertility God

Ibiza was very sacred to the Carthaginians. There was a God worshipped here for protection in ancient times named Bes who was also the God of fertility in Egypt. It is incredible to be in a place where there were Phoenicians, Carthaginians, Romans, Christians, Moors, Turks, Pirates always one conquering the other and each bringing their influence with them. The color of blue influenced by the Moors was also one of protection, just like the Evil Eyes in Turkey. It is said that there are no bad or poisonous animals said to be because of that protector and fertility God, Bes. The people still make red pottery however to make sure the Evil Ones stay away. In this pottery, Bes has ostrich feathers on his head.

Plants

The plants are interesting too. A Juniper tree here grows one inch a year. Juniper is a great wood to use on houses, as it is so dense, no water gets in. Many things are made from the Agave plant, which grows in abundance here. Espadrille shoes are made from the Agave plant. Peruvian flutes. Liquor. Rope. I was so interested in how all the plants are used here.

Ibiza is also famous for salt. 

Ibiza is also famous for salt. There are many, many salt beds in long shallow rectangular pools that reflect the mountains and sky in them perfectly. The salt dries out slowly and huge mountains of salt are in the background. I was told that kids use the mountains of salt for snow boarding!

Where are all the pink flamingos you promised?

I specifically went to Ibiza to see flamingos in the wild. I took a tour bus that promised flamingos in the wild and I could not see one. Not one! In my frustration, I finally stood up on the bus and said quite  loudly to the tour guide at the front of the bus, “So where exactly are the flamingos? I thought we were supposed to be seeing flamingos in the wild on this trip? So I just wanna know, am I blind? Where are the pink flamingos you promised?”

All heads on the very large tour bus turned my way.

Very calmly and politely, a lady sitting in front of me turned around and said, “Dear, the flamingos are white here. Not pink. White. Look again.”

My Head Spins

And I did. And I saw them. White flamingos. Everywhere.

Apparently when flamingos are young, they are actually white until they get a hold of some shrimp and eating that shrimp turns them the pink color we all know so well. I had seen these other beautiful graceful white birds standing in the salt flats, their image reflected in the pools, but I did not know that they were, in fact flamingos.

My Whole World Was Turned Upside Down

I found it amazing how you can live your whole life thinking a thing is one way, such as flamingos are ALWAYS pink because that is how you have always seen them at the zoo or in pink plastic stuck in people’s lawns. I had been conditioned to believe that way, that flamingos are always pink. I was so conditioned to believe that flamingos are pink that I couldn’t even conceive of such a thing as a white flamingo.

And then, suddenly, when the kind lady in front of me said just a few words, my whole world was turned upside down at the sight of one white flamingo. Suddenly all I could see were white flamingos.

New Ideas Are Always Possible if We Let Them In

But really culture is like this. We are so conditioned to believe that people are one way, or a thing is so because that is how it has always been what we have seen or what we have been told.  And then a new experience enters our lives in a person, place or thing and suddenly change is possible. Not just possible, change is inevitable if we are open to it. A new thing, belief, idea or concept is possible because we have seen and experienced it with our own eyes or hearts.

Change is slow in coming to full consciousness always. But it will come if we are open and willing to let it in.

What Moment in Your Life Spun you Around To See The World Differently?

What is a moment in your life where your head or heart were spun around and you saw something completely differently than you had always known it before?

So many people who have read my book have commented on the chapter, Determination: The Cross. So here it is. My “Leap Year Gift” to you.

“When I was four, my grandmother gave me a beautiful gold cross with hearts engraved on it. It was on a lovely gold chain and I wore it night and day. I refused to take it off, even in the bathtub. I had a strong sense that this cross was protecting me somehow.

One day, a year later, I noticed that both my cross and chain were missing.

I panicked.

I went to my mother and brothers and asked them if they had seen them but no one had. I felt disoriented and frightened without my cross around my neck. I looked everywhere for my cross: in my room, my bed, the kitchen and the TV room. As I retraced my steps of the day in my mind to everywhere I had been, suddenly I realized that I had been doing cartwheels on the lawn earlier in the morning. As I raced for the front door, I was sure that both my cross and chain were probably in plain sight right there out on the lawn or the sidewalk.

When I walked out front, I gasped in horror. My father had just finished mowing the lawn. I ran to him and screamed, “Did you see my cross while you weremowing the lawn? Did you see my cross?” As he walked back into our house, he said he not only had not seen it, but it was probably a lost cause by now.Then he stopped and started to laugh. Turning around, he said, “If that thing of yours is out there, I probably mowed over it. You’ll never find it in all those grass clippings.”

For a moment, I felt miserable and hopeless, like my heart had turned to stone and sunk into a deep, black pond. But then, suddenly, I had a new thought and that new thought instantly changed my world:

Was I going to listen to him and give up or was I going to force my mind to focus on a more positive outcome: finding my cross by giving my most determined shot to look for it?

I stopped, standing in the middle of the lawn, closed my eyes and stood still for a few moments. I didn’t realize at that time that this was my first moment of true meditation, of consciously contacting my deep Inner Knowing Self, the part of me that would guide me for the rest of my life. Standing in front of my house at age five with my eyes closed, my intuition told me that I would find my cross if I tried.

With my eyes still closed, I mentally asked, “How?” The next thing I knew, I “saw” the image of a series of squares in my mind’s eye. This “seeing” was  like I saw the page of a book in my mind with what I now know was a grid. From this “picture” in my mind, I got the idea that if I created a system, like this series of boxes I saw in my mind’s eye, somehow I would find my cross. I looked at the vast expanse of my front lawn. It felt huge. But if I looked at it as a bunch of smaller squares, it seemed much smaller.

I’m the “little engine that could,” I told myself. “One square at a time and I will find my cross. One square at a time. Ican do this. I know it!”I started in the far corner of the yard next to the hedge, as if I was in one corner of the grid I had seen in my mind. I got down on my hands and knees and began to pick through the grass just the width of my knees as if in a square and as far out as my arms would go. This was my “measurement” for one grid square. After I picked through that square within my reach, I would move my knees forward to look through another square block of grass.Bit by bit, inch by inch, I got to the far side of the lawn. I had finished one long row of the grass grid and there was no sign of my cross or chain. So I moved my knees over to my right, the width of another row of the grid, turned aroundand came back along the lawn inch by inch, square by square, until I reached the other end that bordered the walkway.

After about an hour, my father came out and said, “Why don’t you just give up? You’ll never find it! What you’re doing is ridiculous!” I turned and looked up at him. I said evenly and with great determination,

“No. If I keep looking, I will find it. I know I will find it.”

“Well, I think you’re wrong. You’re wasting your time. You’ll see,” my father  said, shaking his head. Then he said, “Hey, the boys and I are going swimming. Why don’t you just go get your swimsuit and forget this whole thing?”

I gritted my jaw tightly, held my tongue and shook my head in a silent “No.” I believed I could find it no matter what anyone said. Looking back now, I can see that this moment was a huge one for me in learning to believe in myself and trust my own gut. So with an even firmer resolve, I went back to focusing on my task.

Another hour passed. By now my brothers and my father had left to go swimming. My mother had stayed behind and I could see out of the corner of my eye that she would periodically check on me from the window. As time went by, and I had not found the cross, she came out and offered to buy me a new one.

“You know, Mary Anne, I’m sure we can find another cross just as pretty as that last one. We could go look right now!” I said, “Thanks, Mom, but I want the one Nonny gave me. And I’m not giving up until I find that one.” She nodded, smiled and went back into the house.

My brothers and dad returned soon after and my father came out front and just laughed at me. “You’re still out there looking for that stupid thing? Give it up why don’t you! It’s hopeless!” I screamed for them to all leave me alone so I could stay focused and concentrate.

Another hour passed and I found a tiny link of chain. This was a very encouraging sign. If I found one link the rest must not be far away! This discovery spurred me on to find the rest. Finally, I found my cross and the remains of my mangled chain. It was obvious that they had gone through the lawn mower and been spit out. The cross had a few scratches and dents and the chain was  in ten pieces but I had found them. With the cross and pieces of chain clutched in one hand, I lay on my back on the lawn and stared at the beautiful, blue, cloud-filled sky. I smiled. I had proven to myself that my faith and determination would lead me to what I needed, no matter what anyone else said.

When I finally got up and screamed, “I found it! I found it! I found it!” it was my mother who came running out first. “Good for you! Good for you!” she yelled back, with a wide smile.

That day of finding my lost cross taught me that if I believed in me, I could accomplish anything.

The vision of me on my knees looking for that very small cross has returned to my mind again and again over the years, especially when someone says, “That’s impossible.” or “You’ll never find it.” or “It will never work.” Thanks to my Cross of  Determination, “Just watch me.” and “I can do this!” are what come to my mind first.”

We all know that horrible moment of panic or terror, especially before speaking in public. It feels like our brain shuts down completely, the words we need to remember feel like they will never come and we will never make it through the oncoming train wreck of just saying what we have to say, no matter how big or small our audience is.

There is a solution and it is as close as your breath. In fact, it is your breath!

In both my professional speaking coaching and inspirational new book, Words to Thrive By: Powerful Stories of Courage and Hope, I give lots of examples about how to improve your health and overall well being through meditation, visualization, belief in yourself, taking risks of courage, reframing your experience so it moves from tragedy to triumph.

So here’s another breathing exercise tip that will help you not only in your life but also in your work, whether it is a momentary anxiety or when your anxiety looms over you when have that huge presentation, “Do or Die,” “Winner take all,” “Everything on the line” kind of moment.

So how do we learn how to relax and use our breathing in order to accomplish that?  The good news is everyone can do it and it’s not as hard as it may feel to you right at this particular moment.

On the one hand, according to Biing-Jiun Shen, Ph.D., a clinical/health psychology professor at Ohio University in Athens, “Almost every person experiences anxiety periodically and this can be beneficial. An occasional burst of anxiety can help you respond effectively to life’s challenges.” This is what I would consider a healthy moment of anxiety, meant to get you through a short period of time.

On the other hand, we also now know that prolonged anxiety can seriously undermine your health and contribute to all kinds of diseases from cancer to complete physical and mental breakdown.

Julie L. Pike, Ph.D. who is a psychologist at the Anxiety Disorders Treatment Center in Durham N.C. says, “We know that what happens in the mind affects the body, but carefully controlled studies are being published now that show a harmful connection between anxiety and physical health…In other words, this is an intuitive belief that is now shown by (published) research.”

So here’s another breathing exercise tip that will help you not only in your life but also in your work, whether it is a momentary anxiety or when your anxiety looms over you when have that huge presentation, “Do or Die,” “Winner take all,” “Everything on the line” kind of moment.

FOUR SQUARE BREATHING- 

“When you’re anxious it takes a little while for the brain to get the message that it’s safe to calm down.”

First of all I want to extend my thanks to thanks to Julie L Pike, Ph.D. for sharing this breathing technique in the American Heart Association magazine, “Heart Insight.” We all know it’s a viscious cycle: During bouts of anxiety, your breathing can get faster and shallower, leading to feelings of even greater panic as your body struggles to get enough air. But if you slow down your breathing, you’re halfway to feeling calm. Pike advocates so-called four-square breathing as an effective self-calming technique: I have practiced and tested it and it really works for me.

Four Square Breathing:  

1. Breathe in through your nose for four seconds.

2. Hold that breath for four seconds.

3. Exhale for four seconds.

4. Pause for four seconds before starting the next breaths.

Pike suggests doing a set of at least 10 breaths.

Pike also says from experience, “When you’re anxious it takes a little while for the brain to get the message that it’s safe to calm down.”

So give it a try and let me know how it goes for you. I hope it helps being a little peace and calm into your life.